CLASSICS
Victor Meldrew has said some memorable and funny phrases in his time, below are a couple of classics.
Series 1 (Alive & Buried)
(Victor is now a retired pensioner and Mr Swainey has paid Victor a visit on behalf of the outward bounds scheme for the elderly, Victor is not too pleased after he has invited himself in.)
Victor: Look, who sent you round here.
Mr Swainey: A Mrs Capsule from help the agent put us onto you, but I’m not
quite certain.
Victor: Well look you can just bloody well piss off.
Series 2 (In
(Victor and Margaret are waiting anxiously for the guests to arrive to their house warming party because no body has turned up yet. Victor is moaning about the amount of pilchards there are. The door bell rings, and much to their bemusement it is somebody come to collect the Christian aid envelope)
Margaret: Where did we put that Christian aid envelope?
Victor: Here it is, hold on, I’ll see if I can squeeze five loaves and 2 pilchards into it.
Series 3 (The Broken Reflection)
(After being followed home one evening from a computer salesman, who was driving up Victors arse for the best part of three miles, Victor decides to get his own back by inviting him round one morning just to waste his time. The salesman is talking into his dictaphone announcing the products that Victor wants. When Victor signs a check, he signs it writing in the name section “you daft dawdling old bastard”. The computer salesman realises as Victor explains that he has been invited round for a morning just to waste his time. As the salesman is clearing up, Victor leaves a message on his dictaphone)
Victor: Memo, get Samantha to sort me out a new brain for me, so that I can stop being a complete and utter bastard to every one else on the road.
Series 3 (The Beast in the Cage)
(Stuck in bank holiday traffic all afternoon moaning, Victor decides to play a cassette tape, much to his bemusement it has been dubbed by the mechanics at the garage. They have made a song about Victor)
“There’s a bloke, we can’t stand any longer,
Always on the bleedin’ moan.
Every time we mend his bloody Honda,
He starts groaning on the phone.
First we fixed his cars ignition,
Checked his brakes and clutch and then-
Overhauled his whole ignition.
He just brought it back again.
Victor Meldrew, Victor Meldrew.
He can stick it up his bum….up his bum.
He can bugger of to Kingdom Come.
Series 4 (The Trial)
(Victor is on Jury service and is awaiting a phone call in case he gets called up. Trying to overcome his boredom, Victor ceases the opportunity to make a phone call about a little misfortune which happened earlier whilst Victor was in the garden)
Victor: Hello, is that the garden centre, I ordered a rather large cactus plant from your shop recently and I decided to have it delivered, only when the delivery man came today, I didn’t quite catch his name, it might well have been Frank Spencer, only I was in the garden when he arrived so I kindly asked him if he would leave it in the downstairs toilet for the time being. And do you know what he’s done; he’s only gone and planted in the toilet, actually in the pan. What the hell am I supposed to do when I want to go to the toilet, cock my leg up the side?
Series 6 (The Executioners Song)
(Its Patrick’s Birthday, and in order to try and patch things up between Victor and Patrick, Victor and Margaret decide to buy him a picture to hang up in his new office in his new house. Victor picks up a rather large and special painting at a house he passes on his window cleaning round. He thinks it's a painting that was trown out onto the skip, What Victor doesn’t know is that it is not a painting, it is the base of a bird cage. It has already survived a dose of Tomato Ketchup which was accidentally covered thanks to Victor after he shook the bottle up with the cap off)
Victor: Well, do you like it?
Patrick: Sorry, Do I like it, Mr Meldrew, what is there to like.
Victor: Sorry…..
Patrick: It’s excrement.
Victor: Oh, well how very gracious of you to say so, you try and build bridges and look, I don’t know why I bother.
Patrick: Nor do I Mr Meldrew, nor do I.
(Victor collects his things and leaves as Pippa enters the room)
Pippa: What is it now Patrick, what’s wrong?
Patrick: Well, it’s not just the fact he brings me here a sheet of plywood splattered in bird shit, he some how manages take the curse of the smell with trace elements of tomato ketchup, I’m sorry but it’s not stopping here.
bravenet.com